How can we evolve if we live in the shadow?

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The intent of this blog isn’t really to feel sorry for myself or live in the muck that is the negative that is going on in my life. The intent is to share, cope, vent, and attempt to heal myself and live like I’m supposed to. Hopefully those reading find something in my words and come along for the ride and find what they are looking for. There is strength is masses. We are all human with the same human emotions and feelings. We all want to be happy.

Can it be challenging? Of course it is. One of the challenges is getting away from the dark cloud that hangs above us. We constantly linger in the shadow that always seems to creep at us and keep us from the light. Sure, life isn’t always going to be perfect, but just perpetuating negative attitudes, feelings, whatever isn’t really good. I struggle all the time, but without struggle or movement, you’re done…..Live life, be well.

“Look around you. Everything changes. everything on this earth is in a continuous state of evolving, refining, improving, adapting, enhancing, and changing. You were not put on this earth to remain stagnant.” Dr. Steve Mataboli

Now Playing: Fire From the Gods – Evolve

I’m marching to the rhythm of a lonesome defeat…

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Today my wonderful mother said something to me that really struck a chord. I was telling her how stressed I have been feeling and she says: “Don’t let anything take your peace away”. After the initial easier said than done reaction, I thought to myself, she is absolutely right. We shouldn’t let anything, or anyone take our peace.

I have been very stressed. Life as a recent widow, work, uncertainty of the future, and the list goes on. Also the fact that I still feel as though I am a broken man, physically and mentally. Old issues that still need work, becoming a little more challenging. Or is it all in my head? It’s doable to get out of this funk and rise up, right? I know it’s possible, but the will is weak…

I have a ways to go, always looking and searching for the solutions to my problems. I’m sure a lot of you feel this way to a degree. I need courage. We need courage. Time to find it, put on the armor, and get ready to battle and rise up….let’s do this.

“Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.” -Arthur Christopher Benson

Now playing: Linkin Park – Battle Symphony

 

Nothing like a big bad bridge to go burning through…

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Sleepless nights, dark and quiet. Feeling of surrealness surrounding me. Even upright, trying to live life I feel this way most of the times. Life continues, but I always feel like I am stuck in a rut. Can’t be me, right? It’s got to be the laundry list of other issues I’m having. So weak, the spirit broken, body neglected. But I hold on…

I try. I try to better myself, but I’m so bad at it. Why? I just need to shed the weight that literally, and mentally, hold me down. I know what I need to do, but why can’t I?

I guess all we need to do is just keep trying. One day at a time. I keep trying to burn certain bridges, but unsuccessful. Someday it will stick. It has to. There is so much life to live to the fullest. To be happy, to be at peace. Got to let go……

Holding on is believing that there’s a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.
— Daphne Rose Kingma

 

Now Playing:  Lorn – Acid Rain

 

Pretty soon you have to deal with the truth behind the way you feel…

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Ignoring things don’t make them go away. If anything, at times it may make matters worse. Hiding things is never good. In a way it can be borderline abusive. I have always been of the mindset that things shouldn’t be sugar coated (but common sense and tact be used), and honesty is the best policy. I think one of the things we do, especially me recently, is hide or ignore thoughts or feelings we have instead of dealing with them or finding a remedy. Guilty.

I wonder to myself at times if I have grieved enough, or grieved properly. As time goes on, I do still think of her, but I also noticed that there is a level of “normalcy” to life as the days go by. But at the same time, there is so much still bottled inside that I just don’t know really what to do.

Along with that, other issues in my life arise. Since I must pick up the pieces and move on, I realize the changes that need to be addressed or changed like my health, job situation, loneliness, depression, grief at times, and the list goes on. Feels overwhelming at times, but one day at a time.

So we need to look in the mirror, take a deep breath and figure it out. Deal with the issues and learn to live, and live with yourself. I find that hard sometimes, but life is to be lived happily and to the fullest. I want that, and I’m sure you do too……Be blessed.

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

 

Now Playing: Jonathan Davis – What it is

 

 

I have to carry the cross

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I’d say that I’m some sort of purgatory. At least that’s how I feel. I have started moving on, but I also have this strange feeling inside that I can’t necessarily express or explain . I know soon after her passing, along with the other emotions, I felt as if there was a weight, or cross, placed on my shoulders. I had a life that i shared with someone, and now I was left to figure out what needed to done to prepare, continue, and live life as normal as a widow or single guy.

We all have crosses to bear, but its’s how we deal with it. The better we deal with it, the lighter the burden becomes. Eventually, we conquer it and it makes us stronger. Life does move on after death, hard times, etc. We move or we suffer. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not suffer or be miserable. So I try.

I battle everyday with numerous issues. We all do. Sometimes we don’t see any relief in site, but it’s there somewhere. One day at a time is all we can really do. The journey has been long, full of joys and sorrows, but my journey continues and is being written daily….

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief – But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.”– Hilary Stanton Zunin

Now Playing: Priest – The Cross

 

 

Yeah, it feels like The world has grown cold.

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There isn’t a day that I don’t think about her. Everyday I contemplate, I wish, I regret. Here a broken man, confused, lost, not knowing where to go next. The glimpses of progression shine through once and a while, but become eclipsed. What do I do? Where do I go from here? I know I need to move on, but how? It’s as if I’m haunted and tormented, not only by the memories of recent events, but I feel tortuous fire inside at times. Time has passed, and I have started to move on, but I feel there is a ways to go.

How to deal? One day at a time, I suppose. Life has twists and turns, things happen, sometimes self inflicted, sometimes not. But we need to deal or we die.  I heard a saying recently that really spoke to me. It also can be interpreted a couple ways. It is “Progression, not Perfection”. So true.

So family, life’s not perfect. But progression is key. Will you stumble, lose hope, want to give up? Yes, of course. We are all human. But remember, it’s not how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up. Be well…..

“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life”. – Anne Roiphe

Now Playing: Five Finger Death Punch – Gone Away

 

 

 

I convinced myself that I was Invincible…

file2541264468046  So it’s been a while since I posted on this blog. The blog was named “The Ballad of Joey Flowers”, I started it as a way to deal with the separation from my wife. Long story short, all was resolved, I moved back home, and then just picked up where we left off.

Shortly after, my wife became VERY ill, but fought through it. Life was good again. Was it perfect? No. Who’s life is? We continued on and my wife even started her own business.

A little over a year ago, she fell ill once again. This time was even worse than the first time. Stage 4 cancer. Too late to do anything. Doctors and nurses would pull me to the side and give me “the talk”. Then finally, on November 13th, 2016 she passed away in my arms. Was a long journey, but here it ended…..or did it?

Now this story is very abbreviated, and not meant to sadden, or make you feel bad, but needless to say, I’ve been through a lot since I stopped blogging. But here I am, expressing my heart and soul again.

So, again I will use this medium to help myself, and possibly help others. But like I have stated before in the past, I plan on going off topic from time to time, share things that I find interesting, music, movies, games, anything that helps us deal, cope, or just forget about the serious stuff for a while. And please, feel free to share your stories, your favorite things, your ways of getting through life.

Thanks, and welcome to Resound and Rebel.

“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over.”
– Nicole Sobon

Now Playing: Twelve Foot Ninja – “Invincible”

 

 

 

Tell me where to go….

Funny, I would have never thought in a million years that I would be in the position that I am in now. No job, no home, no family. Sounds cliche, I know, but this isn’t how I pictured my life at all. I could probably go through a few things and try to rationalize it, but what good does it do? Won’t change anything.

So where do we go from here? Can’t get any worse, right? Well, I guess it could be worse. And believe me, if I could go back in time, there is a lot of stuff I would do differently. But until they develop a time machine and I can teleport to let’s say…1988-1989 A.D., I’m stuck in the present situation, and need to get past this.

I admit, I still struggle sometimes. One day, I’m doing better, almost to the point of acceptance and moving on, then the next day, not so much. Ups and downs constantly, and it drives me insane. I guess you can compare it to going through withdrawal. My relationship lasted about 20 years, and all of that has to be purged out of my mind, my heart, my soul, my being.

Either way, need to have courage and survive this. Sometimes you have to cut your losses. We all do. It’s true, life can be a pain sometimes, and we can get a raw deal, but we can’t go back. And I don’t really believe in “forgive and forget”. If we forget, how do we learn? Got to learn from those bad experiences, and turn them into great ones.

You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. – Epicurus

Now Playing: “Deliverance” by Sick Puppies

Just one of those days….

It was March 28th when the issue of “space” began. Didn’t really know how to take it at the time, well I sort of did, but needless to say it was a bit of a shock. Fast forward to now, and here I am, in what most people would consider a paradise, or a premium vacation spot. I WISH I was on vacation, believe me.

Life is just like a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, twist and turns. Yeah, somedays it’s like that Limp Bizkit song “Break Stuff” , but what do we do? Gotta strap ourselves in and hang on. Some of us don’t even get on the roller coaster because of fear. Don’t want to get up, get on the ride or experience life in any way, shape or form, letting it slip away. How many people are like that? One day look in the mirror and ask themselves where time went, or start with the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s?  Or in other words, you miss out. Recently, I found myself being, ahem, at a reasonably young age, becoming “that guy”, and trust me when I tell you, I DON’T want that.

Hopefully I’m making some sort of sense. It makes sense in this head of mine. I guess the point is yes, there are ups and downs, but the ride should be enjoyable. It should give you a rush and a want, or NEED to go again. Fear has to be taken out. Here’s a quote I ran across:

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” – Marcus Aurelius

We need to LIVE. I need to live. Live and learn…

Now Playing: “Live Again” by Sevendust