How can we evolve if we live in the shadow?

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The intent of this blog isn’t really to feel sorry for myself or live in the muck that is the negative that is going on in my life. The intent is to share, cope, vent, and attempt to heal myself and live like I’m supposed to. Hopefully those reading find something in my words and come along for the ride and find what they are looking for. There is strength is masses. We are all human with the same human emotions and feelings. We all want to be happy.

Can it be challenging? Of course it is. One of the challenges is getting away from the dark cloud that hangs above us. We constantly linger in the shadow that always seems to creep at us and keep us from the light. Sure, life isn’t always going to be perfect, but just perpetuating negative attitudes, feelings, whatever isn’t really good. I struggle all the time, but without struggle or movement, you’re done…..Live life, be well.

“Look around you. Everything changes. everything on this earth is in a continuous state of evolving, refining, improving, adapting, enhancing, and changing. You were not put on this earth to remain stagnant.” Dr. Steve Mataboli

Now Playing: Fire From the Gods – Evolve

Nothing like a big bad bridge to go burning through…

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Sleepless nights, dark and quiet. Feeling of surrealness surrounding me. Even upright, trying to live life I feel this way most of the times. Life continues, but I always feel like I am stuck in a rut. Can’t be me, right? It’s got to be the laundry list of other issues I’m having. So weak, the spirit broken, body neglected. But I hold on…

I try. I try to better myself, but I’m so bad at it. Why? I just need to shed the weight that literally, and mentally, hold me down. I know what I need to do, but why can’t I?

I guess all we need to do is just keep trying. One day at a time. I keep trying to burn certain bridges, but unsuccessful. Someday it will stick. It has to. There is so much life to live to the fullest. To be happy, to be at peace. Got to let go……

Holding on is believing that there’s a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.
— Daphne Rose Kingma

 

Now Playing:  Lorn – Acid Rain

 

Pretty soon you have to deal with the truth behind the way you feel…

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Ignoring things don’t make them go away. If anything, at times it may make matters worse. Hiding things is never good. In a way it can be borderline abusive. I have always been of the mindset that things shouldn’t be sugar coated (but common sense and tact be used), and honesty is the best policy. I think one of the things we do, especially me recently, is hide or ignore thoughts or feelings we have instead of dealing with them or finding a remedy. Guilty.

I wonder to myself at times if I have grieved enough, or grieved properly. As time goes on, I do still think of her, but I also noticed that there is a level of “normalcy” to life as the days go by. But at the same time, there is so much still bottled inside that I just don’t know really what to do.

Along with that, other issues in my life arise. Since I must pick up the pieces and move on, I realize the changes that need to be addressed or changed like my health, job situation, loneliness, depression, grief at times, and the list goes on. Feels overwhelming at times, but one day at a time.

So we need to look in the mirror, take a deep breath and figure it out. Deal with the issues and learn to live, and live with yourself. I find that hard sometimes, but life is to be lived happily and to the fullest. I want that, and I’m sure you do too……Be blessed.

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

 

Now Playing: Jonathan Davis – What it is

 

 

I have to carry the cross

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I’d say that I’m some sort of purgatory. At least that’s how I feel. I have started moving on, but I also have this strange feeling inside that I can’t necessarily express or explain . I know soon after her passing, along with the other emotions, I felt as if there was a weight, or cross, placed on my shoulders. I had a life that i shared with someone, and now I was left to figure out what needed to done to prepare, continue, and live life as normal as a widow or single guy.

We all have crosses to bear, but its’s how we deal with it. The better we deal with it, the lighter the burden becomes. Eventually, we conquer it and it makes us stronger. Life does move on after death, hard times, etc. We move or we suffer. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not suffer or be miserable. So I try.

I battle everyday with numerous issues. We all do. Sometimes we don’t see any relief in site, but it’s there somewhere. One day at a time is all we can really do. The journey has been long, full of joys and sorrows, but my journey continues and is being written daily….

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief – But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.”– Hilary Stanton Zunin

Now Playing: Priest – The Cross

 

 

The First Rung – D. Sager

Please join me in welcoming fellow blogger and all around awesome individual Drew Sager. Drew is a writer, blogger, musician, and poet. In his own words:

“I’m an apologist and an apostate. I’ve been knocked down, way down, and fought my way back up, way up. I’ve been an advocate of peace and a destroyer of the same, in a word, I am dichotomy”.

So, please check out his blog Opinions Of Eye. You can also find his works on Broowaha and Life As A Human. You’ll be glad you did.

Reaching up from this muddy pit
My hand finds the first rung
I’m not letting go of it, my feet still stuck
Screaming at the top of my lungs
From this first rung on the ladder
I will not be thrown
Everything in me screaming, you can’t do it
Everyone around me laughing at my attempts
No comfort, no friends when your down this low
The first rung is all you have
Yet I climb, slapping for the next rung, I will ascend
Out of this frothing mire
I will not let go, beaten down time by time
I find myself alone, beginning again
I shake myself from my own doubt
Now I find myself afraid to succeed
What will be required of me?
No more easy carefree existence
The struggle becomes necessary to stay on the ladder.
At the bottom, swimming aimlessly in the lost masses
Who cares what you do?
As you climb out, everyone looks at you, they are encouraged by your rebellion
To climb out of their own mess, to take the challenge of living again.
This first rung, the hardest, taking the most courage to live beyond
The lies spoken to you from those in your youth, and by your lovers
Who are no longer there.
Discomfort at having to leave your habits, your friends.
Not everyone will follow you up,
Most times, no one will.
You will have to meet those who are climbing on your way up.
You see they left the mire long ago,
Every now and then glancing back to see the despair
Which they escaped so narrowly.
So I cling, to this first rung, by tenacity, hard to define
This first rung is life, this first rung is mine.

Opinions Of Eye
Broowaha
Life As A Human

I’ll be whole again….

Don’t know what happened. I laid down in my dark, quiet room to go to sleep. I was tired, but I ended up staring towards the ceiling. Slowly, I couldn’t help but see her face. I couldn’t help but think of the past, the present, and the future. I couldn’t contain myself, I almost lost it.

Trying to maintain my composure, tears began to roll down my face. I tried to think of the positives, tried to visualize what my life is going to be like when this torture is over. But then it came back. Her haunting face came back with a vengeance and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The tears intensified and I was full on sobbing and crying.

She’s still in my system. In my blood, A blood I refuse to let run cold with vengeance or revenge. Hurt will do that to you. It’s an animalistic  instinct. When an animal gets hurt or attacked, it goes into defense or attack mode. Believe me, at first it was like that. Felt like a caged animal that was ready to strike when the door opened. Do I still feel that way at times? Yes. But I know that’s not the right way. It’s not the right thing to do.

Patience, and the will to move on not worrying about the other person is what we need to put into practice. What I need to practice. We also have to keep in mind that with every action there is a reaction, what you reap you will sow, and what goes around comes around.

So let’s try to worry about ourselves and how we are going to make our lives better, using a good, happy life as revenge. The wound will close eventually. We will be whole again…

“Give a man enough rope and he’ll hang himself.”

Now Playing: “Mudshovel” by Staind