How can we evolve if we live in the shadow?

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The intent of this blog isn’t really to feel sorry for myself or live in the muck that is the negative that is going on in my life. The intent is to share, cope, vent, and attempt to heal myself and live like I’m supposed to. Hopefully those reading find something in my words and come along for the ride and find what they are looking for. There is strength is masses. We are all human with the same human emotions and feelings. We all want to be happy.

Can it be challenging? Of course it is. One of the challenges is getting away from the dark cloud that hangs above us. We constantly linger in the shadow that always seems to creep at us and keep us from the light. Sure, life isn’t always going to be perfect, but just perpetuating negative attitudes, feelings, whatever isn’t really good. I struggle all the time, but without struggle or movement, you’re done…..Live life, be well.

“Look around you. Everything changes. everything on this earth is in a continuous state of evolving, refining, improving, adapting, enhancing, and changing. You were not put on this earth to remain stagnant.” Dr. Steve Mataboli

Now Playing: Fire From the Gods – Evolve

I’m marching to the rhythm of a lonesome defeat…

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Today my wonderful mother said something to me that really struck a chord. I was telling her how stressed I have been feeling and she says: “Don’t let anything take your peace away”. After the initial easier said than done reaction, I thought to myself, she is absolutely right. We shouldn’t let anything, or anyone take our peace.

I have been very stressed. Life as a recent widow, work, uncertainty of the future, and the list goes on. Also the fact that I still feel as though I am a broken man, physically and mentally. Old issues that still need work, becoming a little more challenging. Or is it all in my head? It’s doable to get out of this funk and rise up, right? I know it’s possible, but the will is weak…

I have a ways to go, always looking and searching for the solutions to my problems. I’m sure a lot of you feel this way to a degree. I need courage. We need courage. Time to find it, put on the armor, and get ready to battle and rise up….let’s do this.

“Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.” -Arthur Christopher Benson

Now playing: Linkin Park – Battle Symphony

 

Now you can follow and listen on YouTube and Spotify.

Hey everybody. Just a quick post to let you know that you can listen to music featured on the blog now via YouTube and Spotify. Just click on the links in the sidebar (and the links page via the menu on mobile) and enjoy.

This is somewhat experimental at this point, and changes may be made here and there, but I thought I’d put something together and share. Thanks again….be well.

JRF

Nothing like a big bad bridge to go burning through…

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Sleepless nights, dark and quiet. Feeling of surrealness surrounding me. Even upright, trying to live life I feel this way most of the times. Life continues, but I always feel like I am stuck in a rut. Can’t be me, right? It’s got to be the laundry list of other issues I’m having. So weak, the spirit broken, body neglected. But I hold on…

I try. I try to better myself, but I’m so bad at it. Why? I just need to shed the weight that literally, and mentally, hold me down. I know what I need to do, but why can’t I?

I guess all we need to do is just keep trying. One day at a time. I keep trying to burn certain bridges, but unsuccessful. Someday it will stick. It has to. There is so much life to live to the fullest. To be happy, to be at peace. Got to let go……

Holding on is believing that there’s a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.
— Daphne Rose Kingma

 

Now Playing:  Lorn – Acid Rain

 

Pretty soon you have to deal with the truth behind the way you feel…

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Ignoring things don’t make them go away. If anything, at times it may make matters worse. Hiding things is never good. In a way it can be borderline abusive. I have always been of the mindset that things shouldn’t be sugar coated (but common sense and tact be used), and honesty is the best policy. I think one of the things we do, especially me recently, is hide or ignore thoughts or feelings we have instead of dealing with them or finding a remedy. Guilty.

I wonder to myself at times if I have grieved enough, or grieved properly. As time goes on, I do still think of her, but I also noticed that there is a level of “normalcy” to life as the days go by. But at the same time, there is so much still bottled inside that I just don’t know really what to do.

Along with that, other issues in my life arise. Since I must pick up the pieces and move on, I realize the changes that need to be addressed or changed like my health, job situation, loneliness, depression, grief at times, and the list goes on. Feels overwhelming at times, but one day at a time.

So we need to look in the mirror, take a deep breath and figure it out. Deal with the issues and learn to live, and live with yourself. I find that hard sometimes, but life is to be lived happily and to the fullest. I want that, and I’m sure you do too……Be blessed.

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

 

Now Playing: Jonathan Davis – What it is

 

 

I have to carry the cross

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I’d say that I’m some sort of purgatory. At least that’s how I feel. I have started moving on, but I also have this strange feeling inside that I can’t necessarily express or explain . I know soon after her passing, along with the other emotions, I felt as if there was a weight, or cross, placed on my shoulders. I had a life that i shared with someone, and now I was left to figure out what needed to done to prepare, continue, and live life as normal as a widow or single guy.

We all have crosses to bear, but its’s how we deal with it. The better we deal with it, the lighter the burden becomes. Eventually, we conquer it and it makes us stronger. Life does move on after death, hard times, etc. We move or we suffer. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not suffer or be miserable. So I try.

I battle everyday with numerous issues. We all do. Sometimes we don’t see any relief in site, but it’s there somewhere. One day at a time is all we can really do. The journey has been long, full of joys and sorrows, but my journey continues and is being written daily….

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief – But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.”– Hilary Stanton Zunin

Now Playing: Priest – The Cross

 

 

Yeah, it feels like The world has grown cold.

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There isn’t a day that I don’t think about her. Everyday I contemplate, I wish, I regret. Here a broken man, confused, lost, not knowing where to go next. The glimpses of progression shine through once and a while, but become eclipsed. What do I do? Where do I go from here? I know I need to move on, but how? It’s as if I’m haunted and tormented, not only by the memories of recent events, but I feel tortuous fire inside at times. Time has passed, and I have started to move on, but I feel there is a ways to go.

How to deal? One day at a time, I suppose. Life has twists and turns, things happen, sometimes self inflicted, sometimes not. But we need to deal or we die.  I heard a saying recently that really spoke to me. It also can be interpreted a couple ways. It is “Progression, not Perfection”. So true.

So family, life’s not perfect. But progression is key. Will you stumble, lose hope, want to give up? Yes, of course. We are all human. But remember, it’s not how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up. Be well…..

“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life”. – Anne Roiphe

Now Playing: Five Finger Death Punch – Gone Away

 

 

 

In your darkest hour, you strike gold…

How bad do things have to get before things begin to change? How much must one be pushed, beaten, and left almost lifeless? Why suffer, and go through hardships and pain? We have to. It’s part of our existence. Most of the time certain things happen to show us, teach us, give us the tools and knowledge needed to move on and advance.

We would rather not deal with the bad things. I know I don’t. I never asked for my life to be this way. But, now I have seen what I had to. I have had what they would call “aha” moments. Moments of clarity, moments in which I see why things happened the way they did. I will be honest with you, I didn’t like what happened, but I am using as a learning experience.

There is a ways to go, but things are looking up. Not everyday is perfect, but one day at a time. What we fail to do today, we get back up and work on tomorrow. Key is, use those lessons as building blocks. Sure, some of the blocks are going to be heavy, but the foundation built will be strong and indestructible.

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” – Tom Bodett

Now Playing: “Lesson Learned” by Alice in Chains

Only truth will help to set me free…

There were a lot of things that had to be brought to my attention. Things that had to be addressed and worked on. I realize that now.  I believe more and more that the events that occurred were supposed to happen the way they did. Maybe there is something out there, waiting for me. The process had to begin with the pain and hurt I was caused.

This holiday wasn’t really difficult. I won’t lie, I did think about my family. It’s my first holiday away, separated from those whom I shared a life with. But I didn’t dwell, and that’s important. I didn’t let it break my spirit or make me feel any negative thoughts. I wasn’t chained to the pain and hurt. I guess I am growing and maturing, being molded into the man I am supposed to be.

Sometimes we have to take a look at our situations and make no excuses. Take a REAL look. We also have to be truthful to ourselves. No one’s perfect, everyone has flaws. I did. No, I DO.

What’s important is to take all of the lessons and things that are shown to you, then make the necessary changes, and march on.  Make yourself a better person. Rise above all of the nonsense and be the person you are supposed to be.

“If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it? ” – Dogen

Now Playing: “Imperium” by Machine Head

There must be serenity…

Peace, tranquility, and also serenity is a must in order to heal and change. Life gets hectic. Things get thrown at you from every angle. Instead of letting all those things get to you, stopping, taking a deep breath, and dealing things in a calm manner is the way to go.

Yeah, I know. But why make things more stressful on yourself? I’d rather deal with things in a civilized, calm manner, than just adding fuel to the fire. And yes, I was totally guilty. Another thing I needed to work on. And most of you do too.

So let’s train ourselves to take a deep breath from time to time, and let a tranquil, calm state of mind make all of those hard situations more peaceful. Because that’s what we want, right?

“In struggling against anguish one never produces serenity; the struggle against anguish only produces new forms of anguish”. – Simone Weil

Now Playing: “The Arms Of Sorrow” by Killswitch Engage