The intent of this blog isn’t really to feel sorry for myself or live in the muck that is the negative that is going on in my life. The intent is to share, cope, vent, and attempt to heal myself and live like I’m supposed to. Hopefully those reading find something in my words and come along for the ride and find what they are looking for. There is strength is masses. We are all human with the same human emotions and feelings. We all want to be happy.
Can it be challenging? Of course it is. One of the challenges is getting away from the dark cloud that hangs above us. We constantly linger in the shadow that always seems to creep at us and keep us from the light. Sure, life isn’t always going to be perfect, but just perpetuating negative attitudes, feelings, whatever isn’t really good. I struggle all the time, but without struggle or movement, you’re done…..Live life, be well.
“Look around you. Everything changes. everything on this earth is in a continuous state of evolving, refining, improving, adapting, enhancing, and changing. You were not put on this earth to remain stagnant.” Dr. Steve Mataboli
Now Playing: Fire From the Gods – Evolve
Today my wonderful mother said something to me that really struck a chord. I was telling her how stressed I have been feeling and she says: “Don’t let anything take your peace away”. After the initial easier said than done reaction, I thought to myself, she is absolutely right. We shouldn’t let anything, or anyone take our peace.
I have been very stressed. Life as a recent widow, work, uncertainty of the future, and the list goes on. Also the fact that I still feel as though I am a broken man, physically and mentally. Old issues that still need work, becoming a little more challenging. Or is it all in my head? It’s doable to get out of this funk and rise up, right? I know it’s possible, but the will is weak…
I have a ways to go, always looking and searching for the solutions to my problems. I’m sure a lot of you feel this way to a degree. I need courage. We need courage. Time to find it, put on the armor, and get ready to battle and rise up….let’s do this.
“Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.” -Arthur Christopher Benson
Now playing: Linkin Park – Battle Symphony
Sleepless nights, dark and quiet. Feeling of surrealness surrounding me. Even upright, trying to live life I feel this way most of the times. Life continues, but I always feel like I am stuck in a rut. Can’t be me, right? It’s got to be the laundry list of other issues I’m having. So weak, the spirit broken, body neglected. But I hold on…
I try. I try to better myself, but I’m so bad at it. Why? I just need to shed the weight that literally, and mentally, hold me down. I know what I need to do, but why can’t I?
I guess all we need to do is just keep trying. One day at a time. I keep trying to burn certain bridges, but unsuccessful. Someday it will stick. It has to. There is so much life to live to the fullest. To be happy, to be at peace. Got to let go……
Holding on is believing that there’s a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.
— Daphne Rose Kingma
Now Playing: Lorn – Acid Rain
Loneliness, depression, anxiousness. Just a few of the emotions that haunt me to this day. These emotions reared their ugliness even before things in my life became major challenges. Before my loss, holding death in my arms. Sometimes I wonder if I was ever truly happy. Seems like it, but there are those moments where I’m not so sure. Now I wouldn’t say I was completely unhappy, but not as happy as I could be.
Over the years, I have become very good at hiding my true feelings and emotions. I’ve become a master at hiding behind the clown makeup. Appearing to be the funny, happy go lucky person that I feel I am or want to be, but behind all of that, just feel alone and lost. Searching, but for what?
No ones life is perfect, I guess. But why am I feeling so lost and unsure? Sure, my recent situation has something to do with it, but what about before? Life goes on, got to deal, got to figure it out, we all do or we are done. The search continues. Let’s do this…
“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” ― Lois Lowry
Now Playing: System of a Down – Lonely Day
Ignoring things don’t make them go away. If anything, at times it may make matters worse. Hiding things is never good. In a way it can be borderline abusive. I have always been of the mindset that things shouldn’t be sugar coated (but common sense and tact be used), and honesty is the best policy. I think one of the things we do, especially me recently, is hide or ignore thoughts or feelings we have instead of dealing with them or finding a remedy. Guilty.
I wonder to myself at times if I have grieved enough, or grieved properly. As time goes on, I do still think of her, but I also noticed that there is a level of “normalcy” to life as the days go by. But at the same time, there is so much still bottled inside that I just don’t know really what to do.
Along with that, other issues in my life arise. Since I must pick up the pieces and move on, I realize the changes that need to be addressed or changed like my health, job situation, loneliness, depression, grief at times, and the list goes on. Feels overwhelming at times, but one day at a time.
So we need to look in the mirror, take a deep breath and figure it out. Deal with the issues and learn to live, and live with yourself. I find that hard sometimes, but life is to be lived happily and to the fullest. I want that, and I’m sure you do too……Be blessed.
“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” – Dalai Lama XIV
Now Playing: Jonathan Davis – What it is
I’d say that I’m some sort of purgatory. At least that’s how I feel. I have started moving on, but I also have this strange feeling inside that I can’t necessarily express or explain . I know soon after her passing, along with the other emotions, I felt as if there was a weight, or cross, placed on my shoulders. I had a life that i shared with someone, and now I was left to figure out what needed to done to prepare, continue, and live life as normal as a widow or single guy.
We all have crosses to bear, but its’s how we deal with it. The better we deal with it, the lighter the burden becomes. Eventually, we conquer it and it makes us stronger. Life does move on after death, hard times, etc. We move or we suffer. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not suffer or be miserable. So I try.
I battle everyday with numerous issues. We all do. Sometimes we don’t see any relief in site, but it’s there somewhere. One day at a time is all we can really do. The journey has been long, full of joys and sorrows, but my journey continues and is being written daily….
“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief – But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.”– Hilary Stanton Zunin
Now Playing: Priest – The Cross