How can we evolve if we live in the shadow?


The intent of this blog isn’t really to feel sorry for myself or live in the muck that is the negative that is going on in my life. The intent is to share, cope, vent, and attempt to heal myself and live like I’m supposed to. Hopefully those reading find something in my words and come along for the ride and find what they are looking for. There is strength is masses. We are all human with the same human emotions and feelings. We all want to be happy.

Can it be challenging? Of course it is. One of the challenges is getting away from the dark cloud that hangs above us. We constantly linger in the shadow that always seems to creep at us and keep us from the light. Sure, life isn’t always going to be perfect, but just perpetuating negative attitudes, feelings, whatever isn’t really good. I struggle all the time, but without struggle or movement, you’re done…..Live life, be well.

“Look around you. Everything changes. everything on this earth is in a continuous state of evolving, refining, improving, adapting, enhancing, and changing. You were not put on this earth to remain stagnant.” Dr. Steve Mataboli

Now Playing: Fire From the Gods – Evolve

Nothing like a big bad bridge to go burning through…


Sleepless nights, dark and quiet. Feeling of surrealness surrounding me. Even upright, trying to live life I feel this way most of the times. Life continues, but I always feel like I am stuck in a rut. Can’t be me, right? It’s got to be the laundry list of other issues I’m having. So weak, the spirit broken, body neglected. But I hold on…

I try. I try to better myself, but I’m so bad at it. Why? I just need to shed the weight that literally, and mentally, hold me down. I know what I need to do, but why can’t I?

I guess all we need to do is just keep trying. One day at a time. I keep trying to burn certain bridges, but unsuccessful. Someday it will stick. It has to. There is so much life to live to the fullest. To be happy, to be at peace. Got to let go……

Holding on is believing that there’s a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.
— Daphne Rose Kingma


Now Playing:  Lorn – Acid Rain


Yeah, it feels like The world has grown cold.


There isn’t a day that I don’t think about her. Everyday I contemplate, I wish, I regret. Here a broken man, confused, lost, not knowing where to go next. The glimpses of progression shine through once and a while, but become eclipsed. What do I do? Where do I go from here? I know I need to move on, but how? It’s as if I’m haunted and tormented, not only by the memories of recent events, but I feel tortuous fire inside at times. Time has passed, and I have started to move on, but I feel there is a ways to go.

How to deal? One day at a time, I suppose. Life has twists and turns, things happen, sometimes self inflicted, sometimes not. But we need to deal or we die.  I heard a saying recently that really spoke to me. It also can be interpreted a couple ways. It is “Progression, not Perfection”. So true.

So family, life’s not perfect. But progression is key. Will you stumble, lose hope, want to give up? Yes, of course. We are all human. But remember, it’s not how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up. Be well…..

“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life”. – Anne Roiphe

Now Playing: Five Finger Death Punch – Gone Away




In disguise as no one knows…

Everyone does it or has done it. I’m talking about hiding, or pretending when it comes to true feelings. We all do it. I myself have been known to hide certain things, especially feelings, keeping them bottled up inside. And I got pretty good at it too. People would think that everything was fine with me, but in reality, I was in pain, and dying inside.

But, that’s no good. What happens when you top a bottle, and things begin to get shaken up? That’s right, the pressure becomes too great, and then you have a mess to clean up. We need to learn how to keep the bottle from getting sealed, and not allow any pressure to build. No pressure, no mess.

Another thing that gets hidden, is fears that we all have. Fear of failure. Fear of people not accepting you. Fear of being alone or abandoned. That is something that you, and I, need to work on as well. Face fear and overcome it. Funny, I was watching TV and heard an awesome quote which fits today:

“Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It’s funny, isn’t it? We take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear”.  – Robert California (The Office)

How dare we. What we should dare to do is stand up, emerge from our shadows, and face our fears. OVERCOME our fears. Between not letting things build up inside, and facing, no, OVERCOMING your fears, who’s going to stop you from the life you want?

“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end we become disguised to ourselves” – François de la Rochefoucauld

Now Playing: “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden

I’m just gonna let something brand new happen to me…

People can be awfully impatient. I know that is one of my flaws at times. I think with age, I’ve gotten better, but I’m not perfect. I think we all have that in us. We want resolution to things as soon as possible. We especially want resolution when something goes wrong and we want to get past it.

Learning to cope, to deal with life’s road blocks can be frustrating and a real pain in the…well you know. Key is to learn how to deal. How’s it go? Pain is temporary, glory is forever? Think about it that way. All the garbage that comes your way is just temporary.

We have to deal with certain issues, no way around it. But sometimes you just have to surrender yourself and make the necessary steps to move forward. You sometimes have to deal, then sit back and let things happen. Just sit back and let the puzzle pieces fall into place.

“Don’t make excuses. Make things happen. Make changes. Then make history.” – Doug Hall

Now Playing: “Bright Lights, Bigger City” by Cee-Lo Green

This wounded heart will rise…

Four months into my exiled life here has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I have been enlightened on a few subjects. I was allowed to grieve my loss, and I am allowed to be reborn. It has been a challenge (and honestly continues to be a challenge) let me tell you, but I’ve begun to realize that all of this is for the better.

I’m human, I make mistakes. I’ve made tons of mistakes. But never anything to deserve to suffer the way I did. I don’t want to sound like a martyr or a victim, but that’s how I feel. Did it have to be this way? Slowly I am starting to believe that it was. I have to continue to keep outweighing the pros, and not focus so much on the cons of my new situation.

The old self had to be wounded fatally and sent to its death with the Judas like kiss, lies, and a goodbye. One world , split into two different worlds. One set ablaze left to become ash. The other, who knows, and at this point, really doesn’t concern me. What concerns me is to rise from the ashes and rebuild.

Thoughts of the old world are fading. Time has expired and it became time to move on. Slowly but surely I continue repairng what was broken, mind, body, heart, and soul. It’s a work in progress I assure you, but I cannot be destroyed. I REFUSE to be destroyed…

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now Playing: “Burn My Shadow” by Unkle

We all have something that digs at us…

Think about it. How different are we? Sure, everyone’s an individual with their own lives, their own experiences, but really, how are we all different? We all suffer fro time to time. Bad and stressful things happen to everyone, no matter what walk of life. We’re in this thing together.

There’s a saying that goes “it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish”. I think we should take that into consideration. Life may not have ended up the way you expected or wanted, but it’s how you continue to live your life making it fulfilling and satisfying, living with no regrets.

So your life isn’t perfect right now. Mine isn’t either. Doesn’t really matter. Face it, your life and my life will NEVER be perfect. Look at yourself and see where you weaknesses are and work on them. Make yourself stronger. Don’t let anyone or anything stop you.

“Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary-line and adding to one’s liberty.” – Henri Frederic Amiel

Now Playing: “Dig” by Incubus

The meaning is missing…

We often times miss the point. We don’t tend to look at the big picture. We don’t stop, listen and learn the lesson we are being taught. I agree, sometimes when things happen, they just don’t make any sense, but usually there is a reason for the pain and suffering we go through.

I know most people, me included, have just cursed the situation we were in and failed to find the message. At times, I believe, that the answers we often ask for are within us. Life gives you the key, and with that key whatever answer you seek will be revealed. You just need to unlock it.

So instead of the typical reaction to life’s little challenges, try stopping and figure out what you need to learn, or see what the next step that you need to take is. Open your eyes and your mind. Figure out the meanings and unlock the rest of your life…

“Better to light a candle than curse the darkness”.- Eleanor Roosevelt

Now Playing: “Sleeping Awake” by P.O.D.

There was something so pleasant about that place…

The perfect relationship. Does it exist? In a lot of people’s minds I think it does exist….to a degree. I say to a degree because I think most people know that most relationships aren’t perfect, but certain aspects of their relationships seem perfect or that things can’t go wrong.

But things do go wrong. I thought I would NEVER be in the position I am in now. Maybe I’m “old school”, but I truly believed in ’til death do us part. Man, was I wrong. What happened? I could probably go through a list of things, but all that’s irrelevant now.

I admit, things were on a downward spiral, but I tried to fix it. Things began to change and I was really stressed in the newly created environment. I wasn’t happy with what was going on, but I was content being there, believe it or not. There was still something there. It was my comfort zone, where I belonged. Or was it?

They say things happen for a reason. As time goes by, I believe what happened to me was in the master plan. I needed to be taken out of my comfort zone in order to advance in life. Sometimes you have to look at your situations and see the big picture. Lessons in life can be painful. Movement in life can be painful. Can be enough to make you crazy, but it doesn’t last forever…

“A man who is ‘of sound mind’ is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.” –  Paul Valery

Now Playing: “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley

Willing the bad things all away…

It’s funny, because when I started this blog, I never meant it to turn out the way it did. It was going to be a journal of all of the things that have happened to me in the past few years, and it was more for me to vent my frustrations and feelings.

But, I just sit and type whatever comes to me. I honestly rarely think about my situation. If anything, I stress out more over the fact that I’m stranded here then what happened back in Chicago. I truly am ready to go back so I can move on.

I must say, honesty is one thing that I take very seriously, and I want to be as honest and authentic as I can with you readers. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. It’s true. Here, I blog about all of these things, sounding like some sort of guru (far from it), yet I struggle myself. How can someone help others, if they can’t help themselves? I guess one word comes to mind: Endurance.We have to endure. We need to let go, and move on. Out with the negative, in with the positive.

Hey, I’m just a regular guy, a regular human being who lives in the same world you do. Just have to continue one day at a time, and make your own happiness. Easier said than done, right? I know. But It can be done. And let’s face it, life has it’s ups and downs. Can’t avoid it. Need to stay up when it’s up, use that same momentum to rise up when it’s down…

“Come what may, all bad fortune is to be conquered by endurance”. – Virgil

Now Playing: “Endure” by Nonpoint